22 Jun Why are you so beautiful?
“Why are you so beautiful?” Dad asked me each night when he tucked me into bed. “Because God made me that way.” I responded. The belief ingrained in me. I was beautiful. God made me that way, and there was nothing I could do about it.
In middle school, I got a different message. Advertisements and TV told me I would never be a 10, the definition of beautiful. During my most insecure years, I nearly let myself believe it. Smothered by the lack of outward validation, did I see myself as ugly?
But deep inside, I knew a definition of beauty not tied to genes or fitness, surgery, fashion, or money. Something about my essence, something I could not deny.
When I look into the mirror, there’s a part of me that knows I’m a solid 7. But when I look deeper and I step into the confidence of the child Dad primed to know her own beauty, I see a wonder of existence, an expression of a self-assured, self-sustained dancing blue flame, its brilliance surrounded in the black sphere of my eye.
Is that what Dad saw?
I’ve been playing around with the concept of being undeniably beautiful.
During my 33 day water-only fast, GodDess told me to make an altar to myself. I didn’t understand it at the time, I still don’t entirely, but I’m seeing some positive effects. On top of the altar is a mirror. Each morning I play a Tibetan copper singing bowl and in my best posture, bow and sit in my own presence.
Usually, I align first with my body. I move, stretch, do a body scan and voice whatever comes up. Then I align with my mind. My mind might want to pray, complain, or go through the day’s activities. Then I align with my soul starting with singing a chant. I focus on feeling into my heart, which is the most difficult part of the practice. My heart is quiet and requires attentive listening. If and when I do connect, often, my soul cries or insists on wrapping my arms around me.
When I leave the practice, I see my beauty, all ratings disappear.
What does this woman do when she knows she is beautiful?
I’ve created a list:
She has good posture. I started taking dance lessons and the best way for a partner to connect with you is if you have a solid frame. You cannot dance with a collapsed balloon. Can I be self-supported and available for real connection?
She isn’t afraid of her darkness. Writing illuminated how often I dismissed or ignored “ugly” or “bad” thoughts or feelings. In doing so, I dishonored them, dishonored parts of myself and created hurtful shame. By inviting all parts of me to the table as honored guests, I could be me. I had the freedom to a mess. To be mean. To be hateful. To be every bit of every part of me.
She isn’t afraid to disappoint people. This is hard for me. I recently sent a text to someone who had been mistreating me. “I’m learning to treat myself with reverence and devoted thoughtful love. Our friendship does not align with that. I wish you growth and blessings on your relationship journey. Farewell.” After I sent it, I thought, “That wasn’t so bad. I wish I had done it sooner.” If others cannot see her value, she moves on.
She decorates herself. This has been fun. I subscribed to a clothing rental service and, like a celebrity, wear gorgeous dresses once, send them back, and wear a new one the next week. What would make me feel on the outside the way I feel on the inside?
She takes care of herself. Woowee, itemizing the ways I take care of myself would take too long. I’ll summarize: therapy, like lots of therapy, medical professionals, naps, safe and cozy home, medicines, safe and encouraging friends, foods that make me feel good, jobs that make me feel good, resting when I need it.
She expresses her emotions. I wrote to a friend when she hurt me. I was terrified to say it, but when I did, I felt relief. My pains and hurts are valid and worthy of being made known.
She fuels her actions from her inside self-knowing. Her desires move her. Her values move her. Her insides fuel her outside. Her actions align with who she is. She doesn’t sit and attract good vibes only. No, life brings a mixed bag like it always does. My desire for travel fuels me to choose to save money instead of spend it on frivolous home décor. My desire for growth fuels me to choose to go to therapy and talk through my insecurities. She does not hope for an outcome without action.
She flows through life like water. If things go a different direction, she reassesses. She does not crumble when things do not work out the way she hoped.
This woman is beautiful, holy, and I bow to her.
As I become familiar with the wrinkles I see in the reflection each day, I understand them as indicators of an interesting and memorable life. I see them as a unique outward expression of the eternal. If that is not a 10, I don’t know what is.
I’m learning to honor the blue flame made into flesh and bow in reverence to me and you. Dad prompted me to the truth. I am beautiful because I cannot be anything else.
May I see your true beauty. May you see mine.