17 Sep Tía G
Let me introduce to you Tía G.
She is an advice columnist sharing wisdom gathered through a diverse set of life experiences.
You can ask her questions anonymously through this link (CAPS matter):
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or email her at AskTiaG@gmail.com
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Tía G,
I am thirty-six, recently divorced, and living with my parents. I feel incapable of getting a full-time job right now due to some mental health issues. I enjoy being around my family (people who love me), but I’m embarrassed when I meet people and tell them my situation. Should I move out and get a job? My parents are happy to have me and benefit from my cooking most evenings and doing all the grocery shopping. But as a thirty-six-year-old, I feel like I’ve failed. I feel like the world expects me to be better, have more, be rid of the child-parent dependency. I want to stay, but I don’t want to be embarrassed.
Thank you
-Divorced and Embarrassed
Dear Divorced and Embarrassed,
After I divorced, I lost myself for five years. My husband had been in my life since fifth grade. I didn’t know who I was without him. My psych was a ball of knots, my emotional state a ghost of what was. Still on earth, but living a half existence, my heart torn and bleeding, working double time for a body with no sane captain at the helm. I wandered through different cities, fell in love three times in one year, and went celibate for another. I dabbled in some hobbies, ending them as soon as I bought the equipment to start. Most of the friendships I made were like drinking coffee at rest stops, enjoyable in the moment, and forgotten sixty miles down the road.
My broken heart would reach up into my eyeballs and squeeze until some of the pressure held inside my ribs flowed out of my tear ducts. I’d stand in a grocery store, the bright lights overhead, my feet in flip flops, shorts worn for the fifth day in a row, hair disheveled, a bag of trail mix in one hand, staring at a Ritz cracker box. I would feel a wave, the small bit of blue in the background of the Ritz logo, flood my eyes. I’d steady myself on the metal shelving, and feel my body shake with convulsions, tears dripping onto the shiny tile.
I remember when I first said the word “divorce”. A year after we signed the papers, I spoke the word to a stranger. He shared that he too divorced a few years ago and it was the hardest thing he’d ever been through. We stood next to each other, looking at our shoes, holding our wrists in one hand. When we looked up and met each other’s gaze, there was a connection of trust and love that felt eternal – a bond, a salve that softened our scab-covered hearts. I did not expect it, but being blatantly honest with this man gave me exactly what I needed – honesty, compassion, and connection from another.
Querido(a), divorce, they say, is like death. Those who lose a loved one need support, time, and care. As do you. It doesn’t matter how old you are – you need what you need. Coming home to people who love and support you so you can lick your wounds is a blessing. This support system enables you to address an extremely important part of your note. Whether or not your mental health started with or existed prior to the divorce, please know your mental health is everything. Getting the proper help with a professional counselor, psychiatrist, grief therapist and medical team is essential. Do not underestimate how much your mental health affects your quality of life. It sounds like you have the foundation to build a support team that can aid you back into wellness. It will take time. It will take diligence. You are worth it.
The fact that all parties involved are receiving benefits tells me that your living situation does not need to change. Your motivation to move comes from fear – that you will be perceived as weak and vulnerable and in need. Querido(a), the truth is that you are weak, vulnerable, and in need. Divorce is awful. Let yourself feel awful. It’s okay to be embarrassed, but what’s more helpful is, to be honest about what’s underneath the embarrassment. The quicker you see reality, the quicker you receive compassion, love, and acceptance from the one person who matters: you. With that vulnerable strength, there is nothing to be embarrassed about. From the clear view, you will know what you need to move forward. And you might be surprised how your honesty opens honest connections.
About the job – only when you’re ready and/or circumstances have changed, then determine what you can physically and emotionally do, and ease yourself into it. The world will think what it thinks. Failure is for those who are living. Fail and fail again. Let your failures be the fuel that sparks new failures. Let your failures be the journey.
Te amo Querido(a),
Tía G.