Beef Broth and an Apology

My father called me while I stood staring at beef broth in the grocery store isle. I thought, “I don’t eat beef; I don’t like it. Why am I looking at it?” Then my father said, “I know you’ve told me I did the best I could, but I still need to apologize.”

The bright fluorescent lights gave all the carton’s primary colors a sterile look, and I moved out of the way of an incoming shopper. Through the black Bose headphones, I heard my dad continue, “I’m sorry I abused your mom. I’m sorry I abused you when you were in her tummy. I know you felt that. I’m sorry I didn’t pick you up and hold you when you were an infant. We just let you cry and cry because that’s what we thought we were supposed to do. I know that trauma has shaped the way you’ve gone about in the world, and it’s probably still affecting you. I’m sorry I hurt your mother and you.”

I placed one hand over my heart and the other on my shopping cart to stabilize my now weaker legs. The world around me blurred as salty water covered my eyes. Through the speakers, I heard the sniffles and whimpers of my aging dad. “If I could do it all over again, I’d do it differently.”

After a few staccato breaths, I whispered the words, “Thanks, Dad.” I heard Dad’s sniffling increase. We stood in the understanding of the pain and sadness of the relationship we’d had all these years. A compassionate love wrapped around us as shoppers picked out canned green beans and checked off items from their paper lists.

I found out later Dad had been studying trauma and started realizing all the ways he’d F’d up. I knew about the abuse, but I didn’t know about not being held as an infant. Is that why I’ve always felt alone and distrustful of anyone who wants to comfort me? Is that why I’ve only relied on myself and have an underlying anger and resentment about having to do so? In any case, as my father said these words, I felt an old wound, a building block of my posture transform.

I looked at the beef broth again. This time, I wondered, “Maybe in another life I’d like it. Maybe it wasn’t so bad.”